11 Small Talk Questions Better Than 'How Are You'

Ask a stranger “How are you?” and you’ll usually hear “Good, you?” before you’ve finished the sentence. It works as a polite hello, but it gives the other person nothing to answer with.

A slightly better question takes the same nerve and gets a real reply. Psychologists who study talking to strangers keep finding that the person next to you is more willing to chat, and enjoys it more, than you’d guess.

Commuters guessed wrong about strangers

In 2014, Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder of the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business published a field test in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. Research assistants recruited 118 morning commuters at the Metra station in Homewood, Illinois, and randomly told each one to talk to a new person on the train, to keep to themselves, or to ride as usual.

The talkers reported the most positive commute of the three groups without feeling any less productive. Their chats lasted 14.2 minutes on average. The talkers themselves rated those conversations 5.1 on a scale from 0 to 6, where 6 meant very pleasant.

Riders expected otherwise. In a follow-up survey, train riders guessed that only 46.4% of their fellow commuters would be willing to talk. People in a matching Chicago bus study guessed 44.6%.

In both studies, every rider who tried and had someone sitting nearby got a conversation. Seven train riders in the main test never got to try, because nobody sat near them.

Strangers liked them more than they knew

In 2018, four psychologists led by Erica Boothby of Cornell University reported in Psychological Science that people underestimate how much a new acquaintance likes them. In their first test, pairs of strangers at Yale University chatted for five minutes, and people consistently guessed their partner liked them less than the partner did. The team named the error the liking gap, and shyer people had a bigger one.

In another test at Harvard, strangers could talk for anywhere from two to 45 minutes. People underestimated their partner’s enjoyment at every length.

A 2022 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar and Epley ran 12 experiments with more than 1,800 people. Strangers expected deep questions, such as describing a time they cried in front of someone, to be awkward. Afterward, the talks felt less awkward than predicted, and people had overestimated the awkwardness most for the deep questions.

“We wrongly assume that other people are somewhat indifferent towards us, so we avoid more intimate conversation, thinking it would be awkward,” Kumar said in a November 2021 University of Texas at Austin news story.

1. What are you looking forward to this week?

Try this one where you see the same faces every week but rarely talk, such as the bus stop on a Monday or the school drop-off line.

It points the other person at something good. Nearly everyone has an answer, even if it’s only Friday, and you skip the small health report that “How are you?” pretends to ask for.

If the answer is a trip or a visit from the grandkids, you’ve got next week’s opener, too.

2. What’s the best thing you’ve eaten lately?

Food is safe ground. Nobody gets graded on the answer, and replies tend to come with a place attached, like a taco truck or a grandmother’s soup.

A bakery line is the natural spot, since you’re both already standing in front of food. There’s a decent chance you’ll leave with a tip for where to eat next.

3. Which kid is yours?

At a kid’s soccer game, this is the easiest opener on the sideline. Every parent and grandparent there has an answer they’re proud of, and it leads straight to how long the child has played and which position they like.

It works the same way at swim lessons, the playground and the school concert. If you came to watch a neighbor’s child, “Which team are we cheering for?” does the same job.

4. How did your dog get its name?

Ask it at the dog park or while two leashes are tangling on the sidewalk. Dog names usually come with a story, whether it’s a favorite singer or a family joke.

The question also gives you both something to look at besides each other, which helps if eye contact makes you nervous.

5. How did you get into that?

Save this one for when someone is visibly doing a thing, like weeding a plot at the community garden or selling pottery at a craft fair.

Few people get asked how they started, though most enjoy telling it. The answer can hand you a second question, too. Someone who took up pottery after retiring usually has a story about the retiring part as well.

6. How do you know the host?

Ask it at a backyard party or a child’s birthday, once you’re both standing by the snack table with nothing to do with your hands. Everyone in the yard has the host in common with you.

The answer tells you the link, whether it’s a college roommate, a coworker or a cousin. Each one points to a different set of stories to swap.

7. How long have you been coming here?

Save it for the third or fourth time you’ve seen the same person at the pool, the gym or the farmers market. By then you’re both regulars, and the question admits it.

Anyone who answers in years can tell you when the place is quiet and which booth sells out first.

8. Where did you find that?

Pair it with a real compliment on something a person chose, such as a sturdy cargo bike or a tomato plant in their cart at the hardware store. Keep the compliment on the object and skip comments about anyone’s looks.

People enjoy talking about things they picked out, and the answer is usually a story about a garage sale or a stubborn search. When someone asks you the same thing, a short story about where you found yours keeps the chat going.

9. What do you like best about living around here?

It fits a block party or the mailboxes at a new apartment building, and it works best right after someone mentions they just moved in or have lived nearby forever.

Locals like recommending their town, while newcomers like being asked what they’ve found so far. Listen for the name of a diner or a park, since that’s the easiest follow-up you’ll get.

10. What’s been the best part of your year so far?

This is a deeper question, so save it for when there’s time to spare, at a delayed gate or a wedding table between courses. It sits at the friendly end of the deep questions from the 2022 experiments.

If asking feels like a lot, answer it yourself first. Your answer shows how much detail is welcome.

11. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

The answers are often funny and a little revealing, from the would-be astronaut to the kid set on driving a garbage truck. It works at a wedding table, a long volunteer shift or a neighborhood potluck, anywhere you’ll sit beside the same person for a while. Nobody can give a wrong answer to this one, which makes it easy on a shy asker.

It nearly always comes right back to you, so it helps to know your own answer.

Before the line moves

Saturday morning at the farmers market is a good place to try one. The lines are slow, everyone’s holding food and nobody’s in a rush.

Pick one question from the list and ask it once. A short answer still counts as a conversation. If that’s all you get, smile, say “Enjoy your weekend” and turn back to the peaches.